Counselling Support in BC for People Pleasing: People Pleasing as a Way to Survive

You might think people-pleasing is a personality trait. Maybe you chalk it up to being “too nice.” But what if it isn’t about niceness at all what if it’s about survival and how your body feels the safest?

Our body's job isn't focused on us being at ease or even happy - our body has one job - to keep us alive! This means, when it senses a threat (real or perceived) it jumps into action. You may have heard of the different ways our body responds to threat - fight, flight, freeze. One that is lesser known is a subtype of freeze, called fawning. In Meg Josephson's book, "Are You Mad at Me?", Josephson explains that when children grow up feeling unsafe, one way they may learn to keep themselves safe is that the only way to stay safe is to appease, to accommodate, to be as agreeable and calm as possible (Josephson, 2025). Over time, this internal logic becomes automatic and embedded in our nervous system.

What can fawning look like in everyday life?

• Overriding your boundaries to avoid rocking the boat

• Over-apologizing

• Taking the blame in a conflict in an effort to avoid discussing the impact it had on you

• Feeling responsible for the behaviours or emotions of others

• Avoiding conflict

Counselling Support in BC for People Pleasing:

What “Healing” People-Pleasing Actually Looks Like

Healing our people-pleasing tendencies looks like helping our nervous system learn the difference between perceived threat and uncomfortability. For example, it may feel uncomfortable for us to be in conflict with someone, but it's not inherently unsafe. When we help our body learn this, we can actually regain relationship with our adult self (a self that has an internal sense of safety that doesn't rely on others and their mood/behaviour)! This means that we then get to have more contact with our authentic self and what we need, what and feel.

If you are looking for counselling support in BC for people pleasing, you can learn more about us and our approaches HERE.

References

Josephson, Meg. Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. Gallery Books, 2025.